Chapter 2

The next morning, I traced the black lines of my red rose tattoo. The tattoo was so beautiful. He had drawn that rose for me, over the course of weeks. Had I dreamed how last night had ended?

 Yes, it must have been dream. It had to have been. He’d said… He’d said I was his. His sweet rose. I hadn’t dreamed that. I hadn’t dreamed the kiss either. And he’d finally told me he loved me. But the rest…

I dressed in mindless habit. My special dress from last night was covered in snow and drops of Kay’s blood. This was more evidence that last night had been real so I crumpled the dress and put on a serviceable gray dress, wool jacket, hat, gloves, scarf, and thick brown boots. I wasn’t coming home until I found Kay.

My fear of the house next door was dampened by my absolute need to find Kay. I was surprised to find Mrs. Hansen opening the door as I approached. She usually left for work before the dawn. I looked behind me and saw that the sun was just now cracking the line of rooftops. Maybe I hadn’t slept at all last night. Maybe I’d just laid in bed and sobbed until morning came. Time was losing meaning.

“Gerda?” Mrs. Hansen said. “What is going on? Do you need something? Is your Grandmother in trouble?” She looked behind me like she might find the answer.

“No,” I said looking behind her now. “Where is Kay?”

She furrowed her brow and turned her head away for a moment. 

“I haven’t seen him since dinner last night. Why would you think he’d be here?” The words seemed to cause her physical pain to say out loud but I couldn’t handle a drop more of pain than I was already carrying within myself so I turned and left without another word.

“Is he in trouble? Did something happen?” she called out after me.

“I… I don’t know,” I said from across the street. “I don’t know.”

I’d hoped to follow Kay’s footprints but too much snow had fallen since last night and the earliest risers had already started making their own tracks so I soon gave up on that course. I decided to visit everywhere Kay ever went.

He wasn’t at Mrs. Clint’s where he lodged. Or the stable where he worked after class. And the University wouldn’t open until tomorrow. Each step made my heart constrict and beat wildly. Where was Kay? 

I went to the Hansen Foundry and was grateful that only William was there. I liked him the best out of Kay’s brothers but in truth I had seen him the least. But he been the one who built the bridge connecting Kay’s laundry room with mine when we were children. And Kay had told me that William had given him some money when Kay had moved out after the infamous dinner party a few months ago. He had a kind heart, I was sure.

“William?” I called as I walked inside the building. The heat from the furnace made me sweat and the smell of burning metal was sharp in my nose.

“Yeah?” he said looking at me once and then resuming his work of pouring molten liquid into long straight molds.

“I’m sorry to bother you but… Have you seen Kay? He’s missing. He ran off. He’s not right.”

William turned to look at me again. His back and chest were as broad as the door and he must have to duck to get through. He made a sound that I thought meant he was thinking about it.

“If you see him, please let me know.”

“I will,” William said. “Though he never comes here and I rarely leave. But I’ll send word to you if I see him. Is he in danger?”

My gratitude at his simple, caring words made my eyes water. “He might be. Something is wrong with him. Thank you.” I left lighter than when I had arrived but it didn’t last long.

It took me until early afternoon to find him because he was in the last place I thought he would be. Kay stormed out of the tattoo parlor where only a day ago we’d both made permanent declarations of love. He barreled right into me and then watched without lifting a finger as I stumbled backwards and fell onto the snowy ground. He didn’t extend a hand either but instead spoke down to me.

“They can’t remove it. If that’s why you are here too. The type of ink we used fuses to the skin cells. To remove it we’d have to flay our skin off and that idiot, Victor, said he wouldn’t do it.”

“What?” I said standing up. “You want it removed?”

“Of course,” he said pulling down his sleeve like he couldn’t bear to even look at it. “It’s a child’s scribble. It’s a joke and an embarrassment. I don’t know what I was thinking. I must have been very drunk.”

“Kay, this isn’t you!” I said grabbing him before he could walk away. “Tell me what has happened. Tell me what’s wrong! We can fix it. I promise, Kay,”

“Nothing is wrong. I’ve honestly never felt better. I see everything so clearly,” he said running his eyes up and down me. “I don’t know what I was thinking,” he said laughing as he walked off. My eyes followed him in shock but my feet could not move.

I startled when a hand tapped my shoulder. I turned around and couldn’t see for a moment until I blinked tears from my eyes.

“What happened, Gerda?” Victor said. “Did you two get in a fight? It must have been nasty because Kay has never spoken to me the way he just did. He’s unrecognizable from the young man that was in here yesterday afternoon. He loved that tattoo, Gerda. I swear it. He really did. I don’t understand… Do you want yours off, too? I think they turned out great but do you both hated them now?”

I grabbed both of his hands in mine. His sadness was too much but I could ease it.

“I’m more proud of this tattoo than anything else in my life. I don’t know,” I repeated for the umpteenth time this morning. “I don’t know what’s wrong with Kay.”

The snow fell steadily all afternoon as I nearly went from door to door asking after Kay. A familiar face caught my attention but it wasn’t a face I liked to see. Emil, Kay worst and only slightly older brother, was grinning like an imp from outside of the Dove and Fox Pub, one of the seedier places in our lovely town. Of course Emil would be caught there. I wanted to huff, straighten my spine, and go the opposite way but my internal compass pressed me to ask him for any clue about Kay.

“Happy Boxing Day,” Emil said. “Have a nice Christmas?”

He knew something. Emil’s words were careful selected knives. He didn’t do small talk.

“No,” I said not giving more ammunition than necessary. “Have you seen Kay?”

“Well, now that you ask. I think I have seen him. Usually he’s such a bore. Going on and on about art, and you. But I must say we’ve had a really wonderful afternoon together. It seems my ugliest, dumbest brother has finally come to his senses. But you wouldn’t believe me. Why don’t you see for yourself?” He opened the door for me but I waited. My hackles rose up my skin. I knew it was a trap. Some horrible trick Emil was playing on me but I couldn’t stop my feet from going inside. 

It took a moment for my eyes to adjust to the dim light and then another to adjust to the impossible sight before me. Kay was sitting in a corner booth with not one but two young women. A dozen or so empty glass bottles lay scattered on the table. Kay had his arms wrapped around a busty brunette while he kissed her neck and fondled her in public, in sight of anyone who might walk in. 

A scream started in my mind and came out my mouth in a soft “ahhh.”

Kay did not turn around.

Emil moved behind me and his breath was hot on my neck but I didn’t move. The sight before me had frozen me solid. It was a trick. It was really Noah or Oscar pretending to be Kay but their hair was golden where Kay’s was white blond. This wasn’t a different Hansen brother. It was the one I loved.

“He found me here, Gerda. I didn’t make him come here. And he picked her himself. Her name’s Polly. She’s a waitress here and not usually so friendly.”

She heard her name being mentioned and opening her eyes had the decency to blush and push Kay off. I couldn’t see my own face but hers told me that it must be fierce-some and rageful because her blush turned deathly pale.

Kay followed Polly’s gaze and sneered his lips.

“The orphan has found me again, I see,” he said before taking a long swig of beer. When he emptied it, he slammed it down on the ground by my feet and I cried out as the glass shattered.

“Don’t you dare cry again!” Kay yelled. “There is nothing more hideous than you crying. Can’t you take a hint?” he said, his speech slurring a little. “I don’t want you. Leave. Me. Alone.” 

“I don’t believe you. Tell me what’s wrong! Tell me what happened, Kay!” Kay turned his back to me and returned his attention to Polly. 

“Look, Gerda,” Emil said in my ear. “Look at your precious Kay.” My precious Kay was running his hand up Polly’s leg and edging up her skirt.

“I don’t believe it,” I said turning my face away and pushing Emil farther from me.

“What’s not to believe?” Emil hissed. “He was never worth your time! He is the garbage last born. Why you would choose him over anyone else, over… whomever is beyond me. This is the real Kay. I’ve known he’s been in there this whole time. Why can’t you believe your own eyes?” Emil gripped my wrist hard and tried to pull me closer.

“Because my eyes are lying to me. My heart knows truth and this isn’t it. I don’t know how but this isn’t real.” I tried to break free and move closer to Kay. If I could just touch him, he’d wake up. He’d see sense. “Kay, wake up. It’s me, Gerda. Come back to me. Kay, I know I didn’t say it back yesterday but,”

Emil’s hand gripped me tighter and I roared. “Get off of me!” He had to use his other arm to keep me from reaching his brother. “Kay! Help me!”

Kay didn’t answer me but looked to his brother and nodded his head up. “You can have her, Emil. I’m done. I know you’ve been waiting for your turn.”

A wordless agony rose from my stomach and tried to come out my lips. But Emil grabbed my waist and slammed me closer to him and I couldn’t move or think or speak. I felt tremors rise up my body and before Emil could claim what wasn’t his, I bolted from the pub and ran at top speed away. 

Anywhere. 

Just not there.

I was surprised to see the bakery in front of me. I felt indecisive. Should I go in and explain it all? There was no love lost between Kay and the twins. Helen and Lucia had made their opinion on my reliance on Kay crystal clear. My heart cracked a little understanding that I couldn’t count on them right now. I didn’t go in. I couldn’t take another blow.

I walked the streets. Nowhere in particular because there was nowhere I wanted to be. The snow was falling heavier, heavier than it had all winter. If I didn’t get home soon, I’d be in trouble. But my feet didn’t go home, they went to the woods.

My meadow was out there somewhere in the snow and wind. It was real, wasn’t it? He’d given me that meadow. He loved me. I heard him say it last night. I heard him. 

I felt a deep wound inside my soul but I couldn’t find the weapon that did it. I didn’t know what was to blame for the unbearable agony I was feeling. I didn’t dare go out into the woods in this storm and with night coming soon. But I stood at the gate and just watched the trees. They were the same as they had ever been and it comforted me.

The guard inside the small house attached to the gate lifted his eyes from his newspaper and I saw that it was John. I nodded to him and stood looking out into the dark woods. 

“Everything all right, Miss Gerda? I wouldn’t head out to paint tonight,” he said trying to lighten the mood.

“No, no painting tonight. I couldn’t possibly. I’m just here,” I said blinking slowly at him before turning my gaze back out to the darkening trees.

“I wish your friend would have listened,” he said taking a deep sip of his hot drink before returning to his paper.

“What?” I said coming around to the door in the guardhouse. “What friend?”

“Your young man. What’s his name? The youngest Hansen boy. Anyway not an hour ago he went out the gate. I tried to stop him but he wouldn’t listen. He didn’t have a bag or anything. I’m forbidden to leave my post but I did report it in. Maybe you could get his brothers to go looking for him. He looked a little tipsy and I’m worried the snow is just going to get worse. He’d need a demon’s own luck to make it out there all night. I’ll keep an eye out for him, two if I can spare.” He tried to get a smile out of me but I had none to give.

“Thank you,” I said as I turned back into town and ran. The cold made my limbs want to lock up but adrenaline was waking me up and no matter what Kay had said to me I still loved him. And he was in a different kind of danger than before.

I had to stop several times to lean on buildings to catch my breath. I hadn’t eaten anything since dinner last night and I was so tired and empty. But I made myself carry on.

I pounded my fists on the Hansen’s door and did not cower when Mr. Hansen opened it.

“What is it?” he said not smiling.

“Kay,” I said trying to speak as I caught my breath. “Kay went out into the woods. Out the North Gate. You have to. You have to go get him. He’ll freeze. He didn’t have any supplies. Hurry,” I said grabbing his sleeve to pull him along.

He didn’t move.

“Kay went out into the woods?” He asked.

I nodded.

“And…”

“And it’s freezing. He’ll die. He was drunk. Please I can’t find him on my own,” I begged.

“Leave him be. He’s a fool but he’ll be fine. He probably just took a walk to cool his head and came back through a different gate. Go to sleep, Gerda.” 

My face must have registered my horror and devastation because he added, “He’ll be fine. Don’t worry.”

I didn’t say good bye but just walked next-door. I fumbled with the key and walked up the stairs to the fireplace without taking off my shoes or jacket. I felt frozen solid. Maybe the cold would wake him up. Or maybe I should follow Kay out into the forest and we could freeze together.